Bad Beer is NOT Like Bad Sex

Beer is like sex. Even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. GTFO! Have you ever had bad sex consistently? You’d rather jerk off. Let’s set the record straight. Bad beer is awful, and bad sex is awful…and you should really try to avoid either as much as possible. To further clarify, I’m not talking about beer that is past it’s best by date. Storage temperature, age, and exposure to light are all things that make a good beer go bad. And they’re breaking their mother’s hearts, too.

bad sex


I’m talking about beer that was bad the moment the head brewer at your mediocre local brewery purchased the grain. A cruel twist of fate and the delicious beer in potentia is destined to become inferior swill at the hands of someone who bought a few Mr. Beer kits and thought it would be a good idea to make their cat piss for the masses to choke on. With thousands of craft breweries already producing and hundreds opening their taproom doors each year, it’s only natural that some beers out there are less than palatable. Coors Light has been around since 1978, after all.

I’m not going to pick on the brewer and his lack of skill too much though. He doesn’t get a free pass, but neither do you. That’s right, you. The blame is squarely placed on your fragile bird shoulders. You choke down your disgusting asparagus scented suds and don’t make a peep. I get it though. I really do. You don’t want to offend anyone. Be nice, your Gamgam always said. Or worse yet, you don’t even have an opinion on the beer your drinking. Maybe you think it’s “okay”. Is that what you want out of your life and your beer though? Is “okay” good enough for you?

bad beer

It’s perfectly okay to call out the sub-par and mediocre. Constructive criticism is always welcome. The craft beer scene is full of enthusiast that are, by and large, some of the nicest folks you could ever hope to meet. True you have the occasional ale hole, but all groups inevitably do. The fact of the matter is that with the thousands of breweries open in the US now, not every one of them is going to have stellar quality. Quite frankly, some breweries should never have existed.

What can be done about bad beer though? Tastes are of course many and varied. Some people love mouth puckering, palate destroying triple IPAs, while others enjoys smokey, chocolatey, barrel aged imperial stouts. If you know you don’t like a particular style of beer, leave the criticism to those that do. It will come from a place of experience and familiarity. I know it will be difficult to keep your opinions about something you know nothing about to yourself. You and my ex mother-in-law would get along great. However, if you truly enjoy bocks, and come across one that is less than flavorful, give your honest, thoughtful critics. No decent brewer will ever begrudge your feedback. Just remember kids, try not to be a dick. Words to live by.

#Don’t Drink Local – Okay, Don’t JUST Drink Local

I’m kind of sick of my local beer. Blasphemy I know. #drinklocal is the banner cry of every beer city in the country. Every local bar proudly displays their ever growing list of local taps, spanning the entire length of the bar. It’s farm to glass at it’s finest. And why wouldn’t you want a nice cold brew that’s literally brewed right down the street. The only way to get it fresher would be to visit the brewery taproom itself.

drink local

Bars in beer cities tend to forget that variety is the spice of life. Shaking things up and having new experiences is what it’s all about. It’s like if your girlfriend insists on missionary with the lights off as your sole form of fornication. It’s still enjoyable, but I never thought getting drunk or my rocks off could be so boring. I may enjoy the local award winning session grapefruit IPA, but maybe, just maybe, I’d like the option for something else. Only serving local is akin to only drinking Coors Light….shudder.

Okay, to be honest, I’ve rarely been to bars that only JUST serve local beers. I have seen them, but they’re the minority. The most prevalent problem is bars being so local centric that the majority of the taps are local, and the ones that aren’t are uninspired at best. 90 beers I can get at every bar in the city, and then Sierra Nevada or Sam Adams seasonals is frightfully common.

tap line

By and large, there’s really no excuse for it either. Micro breweries have led very successful campaigns to open of the distribution laws in our country. Access to an ever expanding menu of beer is becoming less and less of and issue. So where does the issue of an uninspired tap list come from? I truly believe it’s the whole “buy local” mindset so proudly touted by the “Keep Insert City Here Weird” crowd. Locally made and produced by the honest, hard working folk of…wherever. How can this be a bad thing?

On the surface it makes perfect sense. If its grown, produced and sold locally, the money stays local. Perfect circle of economics. Things are rarely so simple. Local producers are hardly as efficient as big ones. So it takes more to produce less, causing a greater environmental impact. Also, local goods are usually more expensive because it is difficult for smaller producers to achieve “economies of scale” because not enough of them can be produced. Or to put it more simply, the more you make, the less expensive each individual unit.

I’m not trying to give an economics lesson. All I really want is variety in my beer selection at my local watering hole. How is this achieved? What is the Golden Ratio? I humbly submit that it’s a 50/50 split between local and non-local. A rotating selection is key as well. If I can’t get the same beer I always have with my basket of wings with the flaming butthole sauce, I might actually have to branch out a little. Perish the thought.

Change is good. beer is good. So does change=beer? Okay, maybe I’m stretching, but lets expand our horizons just a tad. However, definitely don’t go and try to talk to the cute girl at the end of the bar. That would just be nuts.