The Problem with Cellaring

Cellaring. I hate the term, but I’ll use it for simplicity. My “cellar” consists of a couple of shelves in my pantry. I have about 10 beers, which I’m sure makes me a filthy casual to a lot of you. Hang on a minute though. This time next year, those 10 beers will have been swapped out and replaced with new ones at least a dozen times. I don’t have the patience or the desire to age a beer long enough that it “peaks”. Beer is meant to be drank…drunk? Consumed. I know some guys that have beers they’re saving for a special occasion, which at this point is nothing short of Bill Murray showing up.

Collins IPA

Maybe it’s my lack of willpower or having zero self-control, but I don’t want to wait years to drink a beer that I was only able to find a single bottle of. Asking me to wait five years to drink a beer would be like asking me to wait till June to open my Christmas presents. It ain’t happening. The longest I think I’ve ever been able to manage was two years, and it was entirely by accident. I found four bottles of Prairie Ale Christmas Bomb in a filing cabinet drawer when I was moving. Once I discovered them, they were chilled and in a glass within days.

I recently waited in line at Jester King for their first spontaneous fermentation release, aptly named Spon. It’s amazing, FYI, but that’s a story for another day. Jester King is located in Austin, Texas and Austinites waited in line the only way they know how. Folding chairs, breakfast tacos, and mimosas. It was a great time and I met some kick ass people that were camped around me waiting to get their allotment. I met a guy who we’ll call Josef. Josef was an interesting, friendly, affable guy. He cracked jokes, shared his beverages, and gladly accepted breakfast tacos. Over the course of the morning, our group got to know each other, like you do. As we went around introducing ourselves, it got to be Josef’s turn. It turns out that Josef is one of the few people that I will allow to say he has a beer cellar without doing air quotes. Josef dedicated an entire room of his Houston home to beer. Going so far as to completely block of a window and adding extra layers of insulation to the walls to keep his shelves upon shelves of beer at the optimal temperature. He took it a step further and showed me the google doc spreadsheet he used to keep track of each and every beer. Josef had a staggering 1,783 bottles of beer in his cellar.

Jester King El Cedro

I understand hobbies, and I understand the joy of collecting, but I just can’t understand such extreme delayed gratification. I suppose it comes down to the thrill of the hunt and having a bigger trophy room than the other guys. Josef was like a proud papa and couldn’t wait to show off his spreadsheet of hundreds of beers and I’ll admit my nipples got hard as I scanned the list. He even tried to offer me a portion of his collection in exchange for my share of the bottles I was standing in line for that day. I declined.

When cellaring, it will always be better tomorrow. Then you might as well wait two days. Heck, make it a week. And so on, and so on. I say, enjoy it now. What are we waiting for exactly? Set up a bottle share and have a tasting. Don’t let anything sit for more than a year. Let’s turn that inventory and actually drink the beer we spend so much money on. Why cellar till tomorrow what you can drink today? To steal shamelessly from the movie Sideways, “the day you open that special bottle, THAT’S the special occasion”. Yes, I know Sideways is a movie about wine, but fuck you.

Tips for Enjoying the Great American Beer Festival

I’ve been to a lot of beer festivals. I mean, A LOT of beer festivals. Honestly, most of them are bullshit. Local breweries with no special releases, poor access to water, limited tastings, and shitty food trucks. Some do it right and are worth the money. The vast majority, however, you’d be better served just going to a bar. Last week, I finally made it to the granddaddy of them all. The Great American Beer Festival in Denver, Colorado. Over 800 breweries present, showcasing over 3500 different beers. If you’re a craft beer enthusiast, you’ve heard of it, you want to go, and you’re jealous as hell right now. I can feel it.

union station

Craft beer enthusiasts must have a certain look, which is news to me honestly. I didn’t even mention the reason for my trip to the information desk. I was just asking how to reach the light rail, but they felt the need to let me know the taproom in Terminal A was having a tap takeover that started in 30 minutes. After telling off the old man, I went in the direction he pointed out and bitched to the bartender. How dare he assume I was a craft beer lover, right?! After a few tasty beers, I decided it was time to actually leave the airport and head to Downtown Denver and the first session of GABF.

Let me tell you, it was a blast! The event was extremely well organized and most of my main beefs with beer festivals absent. There were a few things they could have improved on, but I’d just be picking nits. I love picking nits, but I’ll let it slide this time. The event was founded in 1982, the same year I was born and I choose to believe that is no coincidence. After 34 years, they’ve got it pretty nailed down.


I was fortunate enough to be able to go to all 4 sessions, so by the end of Saturday, I was a seasoned pro. Should you find yourself in possession of tickets for 2017, here are some tips that might help you out

Download the App


The MyGABF app was truly a lifesaver. It contained a list of every brewery and beer location, let you check off the ones you’ve tried, and even type in tasting notes on ones you enjoyed enough to write home about. I didn’t do much rating or typing. My main use of the app was to make a list of the breweries that I just haaaaaaad to try. With 800 breweries present, their definitely needed to be a system. On the app you could look up which section each was in and check out a small map. They grouped some breweries by geographical regions, so if you even wanted to visit the Pacific Northwest for a big beer crawl, with just a little bit of imagination you could pretend you just had the trip of a lifetime.


Eat Something


It’s a good idea to eat when you’re drinking. Don’t have a huge meal, though. Eat just enough to satisfy you so that you’ll have something on your stomach to soak up some booze. If you have a huge meal, you’ll enjoy that extremely full bloated feeling before you even have your first sip of beer. There is food and snack available at the event if you forget, but they’re expensive and not very good. LOADS of people had pretzel necklaces. So if you’re creative, string together a few bites of hard dough and some string cheese and you’ll be good to go.

black shirt brewing beer sign

Get There Early


I hate waiting in line as much as the next guy, but this is one of the few times it’s worth it. The line can get crazy long in a hurry. Being first through the gates is hugely beneficial when you want to sample some of the more popular brews. Lines at booths can be dozens deep in a heartbeat and take a while to get through. Get there first and make a bee line to the breweries you added to your list on the MyGABF app. Once you’ve hit up your must tries, then you can wander around and sample the lesser known, but still amazing, beers.




Drink water dummy. They only give you an ounce at a time, so it takes a lot of effort to get hammered. Challenge accepted, right? Still, it’s a good idea to take a few sips of water every now and then.  There are tons of hydration stations very clearly marked, so you’re never far away from hangover preventing H20. Okay, it won’t prevent a hangover, but it’ll make it suck less. Plus, it’s a good opportunity to rinse out the 10 beers worth of residue from your tasting glass.

black shirt brewing stage

Choose a section


And stick to it. Once you’ve hit up the breweries that were on your wish list, they’re all pretty similar after that. Pick a spot, and work your way down the booths. Drinking for 5 hours and not getting much of a buzz kind of sucks. The only real way to get the warm and fuzzies is to find a section that is a bit less crowded and get several shots in a row from the same brewery. You’ve probably never heard of them, but hey, if you had one IPA, you pretty much wanna try them all. Picking a less busy section will also give you more opportunity to chat up the brewers. Which bring me to my next point.


Get your pour and move on


70,000 people bought tickets to the GABF this year, and it seems like 60,000 wanted to bend the ear of every single brewer once they got to the front of the line. Hey jackass, I’m losing my buzz here. Get your passion fruit infused mocha IPA and move on. I’m sure if you ever visit the brewers tap room that he’d be more than happy to answer any and all questions you may have. For now, though, you’re really holding up the line.


The Great American Beer Festival is Nirvana for craft beer lovers. There couldn’t be a better city to host it in than Denver. With over 100 breweries and tap rooms, even if you didn’t score tickets to GABF, you still have a shit ton of options. I only hit up a few while I was there. You should warm up your liver after all. Crooked Stave and Black Shirt Brewing were stand outs in my mind.

A few other points to make your trip a bit easier if you ever find yourself in Denver. The Airport is massive. It has several tap rooms inside, so you have options if you need to stop and catch your breath. There is a light rail that runs from the Denver Airport all the way to Union Station downtown. It’s only $9, so save your Uber money and take the train. Union Station is also a popular selfie spot, so be sure to snap off a few before you check into your hotel. Avoid 16th St downtown. It’s a tourist trap lined with trendy shopping and chain restaurants. You should go to the outskirts to find the interesting places.

The Great American Beer Festival is truly THE event for any serious beer enthusiast and is 100% worth going to. Get a group together, book your plane tickets and hotels early, and be ready the nanosecond the tickets go on sale, because they go fast. Other beer festivals should take note, because the GABF is the kind and they do it right.

Beyond the Brewery: Blue Owl Brewing

Blue Owl Brewing is a rising star in the Austin craft beer scene. Located on Cesar Chavez in the trendy East side, this brewery specializes in sour mash beer. A bold choice given that Jester King, which is also located in Austin, was well established as one of the best producers of sour beer before Blue Owl opened their doors. They do an excellent job though. They aren’t competing with Jester King though. They’re doing their own thing and doing it well. Most of their beer is fermented in bright, shiny stainless steel vessels instead of barrel aged. There are definitely barrels stacked against the wall, but they’re more for special releases and are the exception instead of the rule. They realize that if they’re on the East side of Austin, the hipsters wont stand for it if there isn’t some sort of barrel program.


Parking anywhere on the East side of Austin is always challenging no matter where you’re going. The tap room is a touch on the small side and can be a bit of a mad house during peak hours. Ahhhhh, B.O. and sour beer, a match made in heaven. While their beer is excellent and deserves (and will get) much more attention from me in the future, that isn’t the point of this post. Instead, I wanted to showcase the special events that Blue Owl Brewing puts on. Their Facebook page is filled with tons of activities you can purchase tickets for. My girlfriend and I participated in a class where we learned how to make concrete planters. A $30 ticket got us four samples from the taproom, a pint glass to keep, and all the materials to make our very own concrete planter for succulents. Succulents sold separately.


The class took place in the brewery itself. While a tour wasn’t exactly included, it was very cool to sit next to pallets of cans and stacks of grain while trying to cut out cardboard and duct tape it together into a mold that wouldn’t spill concrete all over the table. Once that part was done, it was pretty simple to mix together the concrete, pour it into the mold and use a small cup to make the spot for the plant. Yes, it was a very simple project, but everything is enhanced by beer. I give their Little Boss sour session wheat top marks.

concrete planter

Blue Owl Brewing offers much more than planter making classes. They craft their own syrups as additions to their beer and have release parties you can attend, they offer classes in terrarium making, and sponsor Six Pack Showdowns, a panel that discusses all topics beer related. Blue Owl Brewing events make for a date your girlfriend will love you for, plus beer. What more could you really want? Maybe you’ll get lucky and she’ll touch your penis. For info on upcoming events, be sure to check out their Facebook page.

inside mash tun Blue Owl Brewing tee shirts blue owl brewing tanks

Beer Bros: Worse Than Beer Snobs

I’ve begun to notice a disturbing newcomer to brewery tap rooms. I assume they’re new anyways, because you can’t possibly ignore them.Frat boys and douche bags are going to craft beer bars and tap rooms in alarming numbers. I forever dub them, beer bros. You know they type. Never alone, but in large groups, these loud and obnoxious dudes are there to party, and they’re gonna fucking let you know. Lining up at the bar, they demand the attention of every server and make the line back up because it takes forever to find the beer that’s closest to bud light. They aren’t here to sample the breweries seasonals or their favorite local IPA, they’re here to get wasted, and have a good time while doing it. Shouting across the tap room is common, as is far to frequent bursts of laughter and even louder one-up manship stories. Exactly how I wanted to spend my Saturday…

scared beer bros
They must have seen a strong, independent woman

In my opinion, this newcomer to the craft beer scene is worse than the ale hole beer snob. While the beer snob is just as annoying in their own special ways, at least you feel like they belong. Their only true crime was that they took their love of craft beer too far. The beer bro has no intention of ever developing their palate or furthering their appreciation of a fine craft beer. They’re here to drink and fuck bitches, and they’re almost done drinking. “What’s the closest thing to bud light you have,” is their favorite question. Please, oh please, get the fuck out of here. I’ve seen large groups of these douche bags completely change the mood of a tap room in minutes flat. As a former bartender, I found them to be the worst kind of patron, barring those that came into a brewery asking for a cocktail.

The only reason I can fathom that they would even be at a brewery in the first place is cause they’ve heard around campus that it’s what’s cool these days. Women ages 21-34 are one of craft beers fastest growing demographics. So the chance to be trendy and pretend like you might get laid is too good to pass up. So they all pile into their buddies Suburban and take the local brewery taproom by storm.

In my writing, I normally point out what I believe is an issue in the craft beer community, bitch about it a little, then provide what I feel would be a viable solution. This one stumps me though. I’d normally say something like we should try to teach them about beer, how to enjoy it as a hobby and develop their knowledge base. I believe those efforts would be fruitless with these leg day skipping, tank top wearing knuckleheads, though. So what are we to do?

The only real option I can come up with is to beseech the tap room managers and brewery owners. I get that you’re running a business and want to make money, but at least set some standards for your patrons. That group of six guys you don’t want to run off is bugging the piss out of the 30 other people in the tap room. We wouldn’t be upset one bit if you ran them off, in fact, we’d probably be so grateful we’d order another round.

Oasis menu small

I’m guessing I sound a bit unwelcoming right now, and maybe you’re right, but I don’t burst into wine bars and cause a scene when they only have a few beers on tap. A certain amount of conforming to your surroundings is expected, so why should the craft beer industry be any different? It is well beyond the days of being an upstart where any and all were welcome. So why not take the success and start laying out some ground rules? I wouldn’t move to Germany and expect everyone to speak English. It’s perfectly fine to fly your flag, just don’t wave it around and shout in my face using a bull horn.

I’ll even directly address the beer bros here. You are not welcome. Not without a serious attitude change. You aren’t being cute or funny. You’re being a jackass. Ditch the bravado and pretty much all of your friends and maybe we can have a conversation about craft beer. Otherwise, please, oh please, stay at the frat house. Here’s a hint, if you want the closest thing to Bud Light you can find, just go buy Bud Light.

Navigate the Beer Aisle: How to Decide Which Beer to Buy

It’s Friday afternoon and there you are, standing slack jawed in the beer aisle with a bewildered look on your face. Looking up and down, up and down. Pacing back and forth like a pigeon. You’re scared stiff to make a decision about what beer to buy in case you fuck up. You want to try something new, but instead you finally pick up a sixer of the same pale ale you always get. “Hey, it’s locally brewed and canned,” you tell yourself. You always support local. If this sounds familiar, then you’re in good company. It seems every time I go to the beer aisle there is at least half a dozen people wringing their hands about what beer they should get. They all look so pretty and shiny, how do you choose?

All that beer can be daunting. Beers from across the globe and just up the street, lined up for display. Brightly colored cans and labels nearly give you a seizure as you try to locate the style among all the clever names and graphics. No wonder making a decision is hard. It’s the paradox of choice. Too many decisions can make us paralyzed and unable to pick anything. However, this effect can be mitigated with a few simple tricks.

Beer Aisle

Have an idea of what you want BEFORE you get to the store

You’re the guy who waits till he gets to the front of the line at the bar to think about what he wants aren’t you? Since you always get the same thing there too, making decisions under pressure might not be your strong suit. Before you get out of your car, take a breath, and actually make a conscious decision about what you want. In the mood for an IPA? Well great, that narrows it down. Now you can focus in on a particular style. The same way you shouldn’t go shopping without a grocery list, choosing a beer without a clear idea of what you want is a no-no.

Might I suggest that you go outside your comfort zone a bit as well. If you always drink IPAs, why not go for a Pilsner instead? Variety is the spice of life, so shake things up a bit. You could even focus in on different styles that blend things you know you already enjoy. Try a hoppy amber ale, or an imperial Pilsner. They might be the gateway into different styles you didn’t know you’d enjoy. If you have a good bottle shop nearby, you could always do the opposite, though. Just choose everything. Fill a six pack with everything that catches your eye and make a do it yourself flight. Why not, right?

Use your smart phone you dummy

Useful for more than just sending dick pics to that girl you’re chatting up on tinder, your phone can actually be in incredible source of information for choosing your next beer. I’m sure you have Untappd installed, but you likely don’t use its full capacity. Have you ever noticed that when you check in a beer it will give you suggestions for others you might enjoy? Just tap the plus sign and they’re added to your wish list. Check your list for beers and hunt them down. Pretend you’re playing Pokemon Go and catch them all.

Did you also know that you can use your phone to check and see what others think about the beer you’re contemplating? Check reviews to see what the masses say. If 50% say it’s a drain pour, then maybe put it back on the shelf and scratch it off the list. Try not to get too caught up in reviews though. If I want to see a movie that gets bad reviews, I usually go with my gut. Finding a critic you generally agree with is also a good tactic. As always, remember to use your functioning brain though.

Ask the staff

Scared of technology? If you are, then human interaction maybe a tall order, but consider actually taking the guy keeping the beer aisle stocked offer when he asks if he can help you with anything. Odds are he knows a good bit about it if hes chosen to spend his days roaming up and down aisles of beer for a living. Here are a few sample questions you might try:

I enjoy [blank]. Do you have any suggestions?

Do you have anything new in?

What is your favorite new beer you’ve tried recently?

Not brain busting stuff for sure, but it can be tough to ask for help sometimes. Maybe it’s a cliché, but I’ve seen women ask for suggestion much more often than men. Don’t be afraid to ask for helps fellas. Odds are the friendly bearded guy in the red polo is more than happy to point you in the right direction. If you go to the same bottle shop often enough to become a regular, you might even build enough cred to have the staff notify you of special releases or if you’re really lucky, hold back a secret stash for you. This is far and away the best way to find some whales, bro.

The beer aisle is massive, and growing larger and growing daily. You’ll never, ever try them all, but it helps to know the landscape. Even if you started at the top left and started working your way to the bottom right, you wouldn’t make it a single case over before they rearranged and you had to start completely over. A few minutes of thoughtful consideration and prep work is all you need to spend less time in the market and actually enjoying a delicious brew. Now just freaking pick something and get the weekend started!

Things Not to do When Introducing Your Friends to Craft Beer

You love craft beer. Duh. Odds are, everyone around you knows this. You talk about beer, take pictures of beer, wear t-shirts from breweries, stand in two hour long lines for bottle releases, home brew, check every beer into Untappd, have a Beer Advocate account, and are a member of no less than 50 craft beer centric Meetup groups. You’re THE beer guy among your friends. Like any passion, you want to share it with those closest to you. There’s a problem, however. Some of you’re closest compatriots, don’t, like, beer… gasp! You’ve tried everything possible to bring them around to your way of thinking. They just aren’t having it. In reality, your tactics are likely the reason for them stubbornly digging in their heels and resisting all of your attempts at getting them to try the beer you just ordered at the local watering hole. Short of ditching them all and finding friends with better taste, what can be done to remedy this situation?

One of the best things about the craft beer industry is how open and friendly it can be. Collaboration and support among breweries is standard, and for the most part, craft beer enthusiasts are inviting of newcomers. All will gladly embrace you in brotherhood and take you under their wing to guide you through the many complexities of craft beer. The often mocked beer snob ale hole certainly does exist, but they’re usually just a caricature of some the worst, although well meaning, enthusiasts traits all rolled into one pretentious shell. The way you go about trying to sway your friends to the dark beer side gives credence to the stereotype though.

It’s important to remember that not everyone shares your passion. Like the time you brought your stamp collection to show and tell, sometimes too much zeal can be off putting (and mockery inducing). Instead of cranking it up to 11, we should all take it down a peg or two. Those new to craft beer are skittish and can be easily frightened. One too many bad experiences and they can scurry back to the comfort of yellow fizzy Macro beer. They might never again venture out of familiar territory if you make any of these critical errors.

Friends drinking craft beer

Hand them the craft beer you’re drinking

“Here try this,” you say. “What is it?” Your friend asks, cautiously taking the glass of murky liquid you’ve offered. “It’s a Russian Imperial Stout, one of my favorite beers.” What are you thinking!? That’s an advanced beer right there. If craft beer drinkers leveled up, you’d have reached the cap a long time ago. How can your friend possibly appreciate the subtle nuances of cocoa nibs and hazelnut that are infused in your Russian Imperial Stout aged in first use charred white oak barrels. You’re handing a novice a far too complex beer. It’ll likely overload their palate, make them pull a stupid face and hand it back to you choking. Statements of “How can you drink that?” or “That beer is so heavy” will likely follow. You’ll then roll your eyes, shrug, and mumble “well I like it” over the rim of your glass as you defiantly take a sip. It takes time to develop your palate. The same way you don’t jump into the deep end of the pool on your first day of swim class, you didn’t drink a Triple IPA for your first craft beer. If your friend enjoys Miller Light, then why would you think they’d enjoy your advanced beer? A far better idea would be to make a suggestion that would ease them into more flavorful beer. A gateway beer. Something better than a Macro, but still on the light end of the spectrum. Use all that knowledge you’ve acquired and give an honest to goodness thoughtful suggestion.

The golf pro at a local country club is a good example of a professional slowly easing a newbie into a competent back swing. When he’s not banging your wife, he’s giving her methodical instruction in easy to understand chunks. It’s your job to do the same, minus the banging of people’s wives part. Take it slow, start with the basics, and provide guidance when necessary. Above all else, be encouraging. They’ll get there if you just give them time and don’t scare them off.

Make fun of the beer they’re drinking

Almost all of us started out drinking Macro beers. You didn’t know what you were doing, much like when you lost your virginity. Over time, and through questionable encounters, you developed your repertoire. The problem is, you’ve forgotten just how far you’ve come, stud. You no longer tremble nervously every time you bring a new beer home. You’ve been around the block and your number is in the hundreds, you slut. Instead of being a gentle guiding hand, you showed up as the enemy and mocked your friend’s choice of beer. Comparing it to water is a great way to turn them off towards wanting to try anything you suggest.

It’s our instinct to try and protect our identity. If someone doesn’t like something that we do, we feel the need to defend it. Almost as if their lackluster feelings about one of our our most intense hobbies is a personal affront to who we are at our core. Just remember, it goes both ways. The natural human instinct is to lash out. Belittling someone else or their choices is the quickest way to put ourselves back in the drivers seat and protect our fragile psyche. The flip side is, you lashing out only injures the other persons ego, so they must reciprocate by developing the opinion that you’re stupid, so everything you love and hold dear must be stupid as well. Especially your stupid craft beer. Just like you don’t listen to your parents when they tried to tell you Liberal Arts might be the best option for a degree. It’s not a phase mom! You just don’t understand me! Instead of belittling their choices, maybe try a more accepting approach. All beer has it’s place, and given the right set of circumstances, even yellow fizzy beer can be damn refreshing. After all, who likes to listen to someone who criticizes them all the time.

Over complicating it

At the end of the day, it’s just beer. Blasphemy I know, but not everyone will like craft beer, and that’s just science. Using terms they don’t understand, talking about proper tasting techniques, and the benefits of cellaring can overwhelm the fledgling beer drinker. If you come off as a know it all, then people will likely not care to listen to what you have to say on the subject, regardless of how right you may be. You have to approach someone on their level. It would have terrified you if the doctor had given the technical name of the STD you had. Instead, he dumbed it down, spoke in layman’s terms and a shot of penicillin cleared it right up. Keep it simple and as basic as possible. Use words like tart, bitter, earthy, or nutty. Pull deep from that fount of knowledge you’re so proud of.

Lucky Lab Beer Flight

A beer flight is an excellent way to expose some to craft beer while simultaneously showing them just how varied it can be, even among the same style. Order them a flight and choose several of the same style, blonde ales, for instance. This way, they can try a sampling of beers, all fairly similar, while seeing that a beer is not a beer is not a beer. It’s entirely possible to hate one beer of a particular style and love another. Slow and steady wins the race, after all.

They’re your friends for a reason. Somewhere along the line you developed a rapport. Try not to get so caught up in trying to convince them and share a simple conversation of likes and interests. Ask them what they like and try to find a beer you think they genuinely enjoy. If in the end, they never quite come around, then so be it. You’ll still be friends, and lord knows you need all you can get.

5 Craft Beer Trends that are Ridiculous

The craft beer industry seems to be a bit bipolar lately, and craft beer trends are getting a bit out of hand. It’s like they can’t make up their mind really. Every brewery focuses on simple, quality beers, while maintaining a barrel program along with a constantly rotating seasonal sour. This one has grapefruit! Back in the day, it was easy for a new brewery to stand out. Offer a Belgian in your line up of five IPAs and BAM! Instant notoriety. These days, not so much. The market is no longer starved for variety, but rather is flooded by it. Instead of happily lapping up whatever breweries produce, the customer now dictates what is made. Is this necessarily a bad thing? Eeeeeeeeh. *Shoulder shrug. Considering every other industry tells you what you’ll be buying next season and you’ll like it or else, it’s tough to say.

I definitely enjoy variety, but never wander too far from the classics. Craft beer trends can be amazing experiments with new styles, but chasing down the next big thing can be short sighted if it goes too far. Get consumed by the latest and greatest can cause quality to slip, and quality is key. Here are the latest trends that you’ve seen on the tap room chalkboard.

sour beer with a field in the background

Sour all the beers

Do you have any sour beers? Shame on you if you go into your local taproom and ask this question. First, it means you didn’t bother to read the tap list on the giant chalkboard behind the bar. Second, if a brewery has a sour beer, these days they’re gonna fucking let you know. Kind of like vegans and people who do Crossfit. It’s possibly the king of the craft beer trends these days. Personally, I enjoy sours. I enjoy them a lot. The problem is that sour beers are more difficult and expensive to make, which therefore makes them more expensive to buy. There was a time when most beers were sour due to our flimsy understanding of sanitary technique. Modern brewing practices removed the germs that caused the sour flavor present in almost every beer, giving rise to beer as we know it today. Then one day, someone decided to through sanitary technique out the window, and the modern sour beer craze was born.

Keep it simple stupid

Okay, to be fair, I’m all for the latest craft beer trend of focusing on simplicity. What’s ridiculous is that more breweries aren’t doing it. It’s like a modern day Reinheitsgebot. Sometimes you want a simple, easy to drink beer. I’m tired, it’s been a long day, and I don’t feel like digging out my tasting notebook. Before you string me up by my toenails, let me clarify. Simple beers don’t mean just simple ingredients. SMaSH beers can be amazing, but a deliciously hoppy IPA with floral notes can be simple. A peanut butter imperial stout can be simple. A grapefruit, cherry sour can be simple. It’s not the ingredient list that makes something simple, in my opinion. It’s focus, repeatability, and a clear goal. Too many breweries are chasing the market, and a bold few have dug in their heels and said no more! They are focusing on only a few things, and they’re doing it well.

If it’s not sour, put fruit in it

The fastest growing segment of craft beer drinkers is women. They consume 15% of all craft beer sold and sure as shit breweries are trying to capture that market share. Of course women hate bitter beers and love fruity cocktails, right? So shove as much pineapple and mango as you can into your IPA then maybe, just maybe, they might like it. Be careful who you say that shit around. Besides being sexist and flat out wrong, it’s pretty short sighted. You can thank Bud-Lime for making this a thing. They did a damn good job at capturing the younger college crowd with their fruit beers and making it okay for craft brewers to throw creativity out the window and just fruit their base beer recipe. Working hard to develop a recipe with the perfect hop schedule to produce a floral, grapefruit flavor and aroma, fuck that noise, throw a shit ton of grapefruit in the kettle and call it a day. That single flavor is so overwhelming that nothing else can possible break through, but hey, you sold more units to the female 21-34 demographic, so call it a win.

Do you have a barrel program?

You know what would make this beer better? Bourbon. Or gin, or wine, or cat piss. Etsy shop owners and Pinterest crafters have got to be upset that craft breweries are snatching up all the used barrels for their own selfish needs. Now how are they gonna make that barrel stave coffee table? If you can’t sour it or shove fruit in it, then shove it in a barrel! Don’t make a stout that’s good enough to stand out on its own? No problem, use the flavors of someone else’s actually good alcohol to make yours less bad. Could it be possible that it’s a case of two great flavors tasting great together? Maybe, but I’m a bit on the fence. I’ve had some damn good barrel aged beers, but what am I enjoying? Take the barrel aged aspect away and my gut tells me I’d have a “meh” beer left in my glass.

Barrel Aged Beer

All of the above!

Fuck it. Puree’ some pineapple, roll out that chardonnay barrel, and let’s dump it all in with that funky IPA we made. Shake the whole thing up and sell it for $20 a bomber. My god, it’s genius. Wait, that’s not exactly simple. Hmmmmm, we’ll say it goes down smooth and easy. Phew, that was close. I imagine if I were a fly on the wall in some craft breweries that I’d have overheard an eerily similar conversation taking place. Some beers lately are abominations of style. Made of so many different parts that they all are struggling for dominance, and ultimately they all lose. Can it be done and done well? Of course. There are loads of Belgian breweries out there that can produce a wonderfully tart yet fruity farmhouse barrel aged sour.  You know what they have that almost all American craft breweries don’t? Experience.

You’d be forgiven if at this point in the article you thought I was completely against experimentation and pushing the boundary of what craft beer can be. I swear that’s not the case. What I’m against is the industry trying to sell me a sandwich that’s 97% shit, 3% ham, and trying to convince me it’s a ham sandwich. Experiment, try new things, go nuts, but don’t dare put it on the market unless it’s the best you have to offer. That being said, even someone’s best doesn’t always carry them across the finish line.

Three Reasons Macro Beer is Amazing and Deserves Your Respect

Like most, my first beer was from the world of light, yellow, fizzy beer. Much like losing my virginity, it was scary at first, and I had no idea what I was doing. Also like losing my virginity, it didn’t last very long. In my home town, Sam Adams was considered exotic, but I quickly gravitated away from big beer in the BMC crowd to what the tiny craft section my local grocery store had to offer. Once I moved to Austin, TX though, is when I truly discovered the big wide world of craft beer. IPAs, Porters, and Witbiers, oh my!

What I’m suggesting in this post might be blasphemous, but stick with me. I think…macro beer…is…amazing. Gasp! Boo! Hiss! Now before you rally the villagers and gather the torches and pitchforks, it’s definitely not because of the flavor. Big beer has been around for a long time and has accomplished some pretty incredible things.

Macro Beer

They consistently make the same beer, every time

Budweiser alone produces over 120 million barrels a year. That’s a staggering amount. What’s also staggering is that a Bud Light, like McDonald’s, tastes the same no matter where you drink it the world over. Some breweries that makes less than 5 thousand barrels a year have trouble pulling this off. Anyone who has ever homebrewed knows that producing the same recipe consistently every time is difficult. Multiply that by several millions scales and you’ll quickly become impressed. The amount of control and precision necessary to pull off such a feat is just mind boggling. Batch to batch, macro beer is comfortingly consistent.

They survived prohibition

In 1919, Prohibition devastated the beer industry. When passed into law, there were just under 1,200 breweries in the United States. By the time it was repealed in 1933, less than 20 survived. Those that survived had to quickly switch production to other products in order to keep their doors open. Coors began producing ceramics, and is the worlds largest producer of engineered ceramics to this day. Yeungling began producing ice cream and kept at it until 1985. They reopened the dairy in 2014. Pabst, due to its location in Wisconsin perhaps easily switched gears from beer to dairy, manufacturing cheese. When Prohibition ended, they switched back to beer and sold their line to Kraft. Big beers not only survived, but they thrived in this serious blow to the industry. The prohibition experiment likely set back the development of new styles until the beer renaissance of the 1970s.

Prohibition ends

They force micro brewers to up their game

It’s not personal, it’s just business. Capitalism at it’s finest. Stomp out the competition and maintain your market share. Can you blame them? BMC has survived, even thrived through adversity and they’ll be damned if they let some upstart micro brewery roll onto the scene and steal their thunder. It’s war, and they’re out for blood. You’ll take their Budweiser, ummmm, America when you pry it from their cold dead fingers. How can you possibly fight them? The craft beer scene is firmly in place now and likely not going anywhere, but you can’t let up. You have to keep applying the pressure. Quality over quantity has to be the mantra. Mediocre beer cannot be allowed into the market place. Consistency must be maintained and a loyal fan base must be cultivated. Micro brewers are known for pushing the envelope when it come to experimentation and creating new and unusual beer. Not all are hits, but it’s important to crank it to 11 and make the big boys sweat.

You can’t please everyone, and there is no accounting for preference. Some people will never, never, never, ever like craft beer. And that’s fine. How boring would the world be if everyone liked all the same things. The struggle is real, but it’s also where all the fun is. Like you trying to get a date for Saturday night. Chin up buckaroo, you can do it.

Everything You Know About Dark Beer is Wrong

Everything you know about most beer is wrong, too. I’m just focusing on dark beer in this post. We’ve all done it. You hear somebody at a party stating a fact about beer with an authoritative tone, and you don’t even bother to question it. You accept it as gospel and then perpetuate the lies. It’s okay, I’m sure you believed your girlfriend when she told you it happens to every guy sometimes. Sorry buddy, it doesn’t. You’re fraternity brother doesn’t know what he’s talking about either. Maybe you shouldn’t accept something at face value from a guy that had to take Freshman Algebra three times before he passed.

Guinness aka dark beer

Dark beer is “heavy”, and has more calories than lighter beer

I can’t count how many times I’ve heard “Guinness is so heavy. It’s like a meal in a glass.” Would it rock your world to learn the Guinness Draught has only 125 calories? Which is actually a mere 15 calories more than a Bud Light, and 20 calories less than Budweiser. A beer being dark has absolutely nothing to do with it’s calorie content. Dark beer gets it color and flavor from the same place as dark coffee. The grains, like the beans, are merely roasted for longer, giving them a deeper color and more flavor. Any feeling of heaviness, is a trick of the mind. Dark beers are usually mashed at higher temps, which create a more full bodied beer. They’re often brewed with adjunct ingredients that contain a lot of unfermentable sugar which can sit heavy on your gut. Some dark beers are definitely higher in calories, but this is far from always being the case.

Dark beer has more alcohol

Negative Ghost Rider. Even though that is usually the case most of the time, it’s not the rule by any means. Dark beers have lots of complexity and flavors going on, so they can handle higher alcohol content and smooth out the burn. Their “yo mama” jokes are a bit more high brow, if you will. There are plenty of low ABV stouts and porters on the market though. Loads even under 5% ABV, which puts them firmly in the session category. Not to pick on Guinness and Bud light for the entire post, but they have 4.0 and 4.2 ABV, respectively. Bud Light, higher in alcohol than Guinness, who’d have thunk?

Dark beers aren’t very hoppy

International Bitterness Units, or IBUs, is the standard for measuring the bitterness of a given beer. The higher the number, the more bitter the beer. The average American IPA ranges from about 40-70 IBUs. So Stouts with their bold chocolate forward notes and roasted, smokey characteristics must be much lower, right? Except that the average range of and American stout is 35-75 IBUs. Yeahbuhwha?! Technically a stout could rank even higher in IBUs than an IPA. Everything you know in the world is a lie.

512 Pecan Porter

You think all dark beers are Guinness

I know I’ve picked on Guinness and Bud light a lot in this post. I’ll freely admit that I used to think I didn’t like dark beers because I’d sampled very few of them. Then one day I tried a sample of 512 Pecan Porter in Austin and it changed my life. Not only are not all dark beers Guinness, but you don’t even know what a dark beer really is. If you consider anything darker than BMC a dark beer, then 99% of all beer styles fit into that category. Blonde Ales to Imperial Stouts are off limits to you. Kind of like the guy that only prefers redheaded cheerleaders that weigh less than 105 pounds. You enjoy yourself bud. I’ll be more than happy to handle all the rest of the squad.

“Dark Beer” is a misnomer, because everything is relative. Yes there are styles and guidelines, but that really doesn’t matter to the casual beer drinker. You like what you like, and there’s nothing wrong with that. The point is, you haven’t tried very much. Expand your horizons. Don’t be scared. Like that time you got drunk at your frat house, it’s all about experimentation.

Can Scan – Beer Label Guidelines

Ever perform a can scan and wonder why you sometimes can’t find the ABV of a beer on it’s label, or even the style? It’s like you trying to find a date for Friday night. Most of the time you come up empty. Me too. I bet you were shocked when you first discovered the “craft” beer you’d been enjoying by the pool was actually owned by BMC. How can this be!? Why were you not warned? It’s mainly because the actual information required by beer label guidelines is actually pretty scant.

The TTB, or Alcohol and Tobacco Tax & Trade Bureau, sets the guideline for what is supposed to be displayed on beer labels. You can read for yourself here. Specifically section §25.142 Bottles…..yeah. Well if you don’t want to slog through all those bullet points then take heart. I did the slogging for you. It’s actually pretty interesting. Shadup. It is!

Nature of the product

You don’t actually have to name the style of the beer. Just the nature of what’s actually in the can. That means you could have a white can with black letters that says “Beer” and you’d be within the guidelines. That was totally a thing, btw.

white beer can
Obviously the beer served at all bars in movies.

Place of production

This is how BMC gets around having the list their parent company name big and bold on the can. Blue Moon and Shock Top are probably the most well known offenders of this. Perhaps less well known are Magic Hat, Redhook, and Lagunitas. Craft breweries and being scooped up left and right by the Macro Beers. They may still be produced the same way they always were, but it’s misleading at best. Some people feel very strongly about their dollars not going towards massive conglomerations. Some people just want to get drunk, but I guess they aren’t exactly paying attention to the label anyways.

How much is in it

The volume of the beer in the bottle or can, +/- 0.5%. This is strictly because beer is taxed by volume. Breweries might be really cool and not mind giving you an extra ounce or two here or there, but Uncle Sam sure does. The tax man always gets his cut.

Alcohol is bad mmmkay

Well, not by itself it isn’t, but some people just get particularly boneheaded when they’ve had a few. Somewhere on the can or bottle, on the main label, or by itself, you have to have the standard issue government warning. Basically reminding women not to drink if they’re pregnant and not to drive or operate a forklift. I’m sure those disclaimers have stopped exactly zero people from doing stated activities once they read them. I know good and well I shouldn’t illegally download music. Hasn’t stopped me yet.

And that’s basically it. A few special circumstances and the odd detail or two and what you might expect to find on a beer label is often missing. Why waste the ink right? It’s basically up to the breweries discretion any extra bones they feel like throwing you. ABV and IBU’s? Maybe yes, maybe no. Hefeweizen of Russian Imperial Stout? Do you really need to know? Just drink it you pansy.