You’ve decided that it’s time to up your game. Not content to be your average craft beer drinker, you need to take it to the next level and become a true beer snob. Problem is, where do you start? It’s not enough to simply learn about something you’re passionate about through articles, experimentation, and through the act of just enjoying something. No, no, no. You have to let everyone around you know that you are a level above them. Since it’s impossible to be a beer snob by elevating yourself with actual knowledge, you have to put others down with a series of cleverly crafted elements. If you do the following, your guaranteed to be seen as the expert you truly aren’t.
Glassware. Glassware everywhere.
You already have way more pint glasses than friends, but that’s merely the beginning, young grasshopper. Make room in the cabinet, because you’re about to level up. Tulips, snifters, nonicks, goblets, and much, much more. You have the right glass for every beer imaginable. Having a hefeweizen? Use the vase. Prefer a lambic? This flute is the only way to enjoy it. Do they make a difference in the beer? Heck if you can tell. They all smell and taste the same no matter the glass, but that’s not the point. Like a mechanic, you have the right tool for the job.
Cellar Your Beer
And by “cellar” I mean put a bunch of bombers you don’t intend to drink for the next few years in the mini fridge you’ve had since college. You have beers in there that you’ve never tasted before, so who knows if letting them stew a few extra years is actually going to improve the flavor. It could be that the funky bile you plopped a cool 20 down for is just having its essence of piss concentrated. Also, when it comes to “cellaring”, be sure to ask other, lesser beer snobs if you should open [insert random bottle]. Whether you intend to or not. Drinking the beer is hardly the point. The point is that others know you have [Insert hard to find beer] and are wringing your hands about extracting as much flavor from it as possible.
Not only is your thesaurus terrible, it’s terrible! Use it to look up as many synonyms for “dank” as possible. Also be sure the throw in as many scientific terms as you can when describing beer. Using them correctly is not as important as just using them. Brettanomyces, acetaldehyde, lactobacillus, these are the golden words and should be dropped casually. Ask your bartender if you knows what the plato of the barrel aged imperial red you just ordered. Oh, you meant to say original gravity. You’re so OG.
Take Notes and Obsessively Check Into Untappd
Look at your beer. Inspect every shade of brown. Observe how the bubbles caress the side of the glass. Take delicate whiffs. Take the smallest sip. Then put it down and begin writing furiously in your moleskin. You’re not drinking alone because you have no friends, this is intense study. After all you have your Certified Beer Server exam coming up. Be sure to write down how you can detect the citrusy notes at the beginning of your sip, a crisp maltiness in middle, and a bitter finish. Oh shit, you almost forgot to check your beer into Untappd. Don’t forget the picture and the geotag. Sweet, you earned another badge. I believe in IPA! (Level 110). Once you reach 200 you’ll be legit.
Being a Beer Snob is hard, thankless work. Someone has to do it though, and you’ve risen to the challenge. You study, scrutinize, and lock away bombers for years in your “cellar”, all so you can attain the Wisdom of Solomon, when it comes to beer at least. You still have a few more badges to collect on Untappd before you earn your flannel shirt and mustache wax though.